Harry the psycho
by trisexualchicken
Summary: Harry is diagnosed with a mental disorder and snape is nominated to be his councilor and mentor to help him defeat VOLDEMORT!
1. Harry is psycho

Harry the psycho.  
  
Disclaimer: Hi were Avril and Emma. We live in Perth, Australia. We don't own the characters of this story we just own the plot. Please read and review because this is our first fic and we want to know what people think.  
  
We find our hero Harry, who over his five years at hogwarts has on many occasions defeated lord Voldemort, sitting in a dark corner of the griffindor common room humming away in a high pitched voice to some gay- arse tune.  
  
Harry: I'm going under... got to ... break through... I'm falling forever...  
  
Hermione: Harry could you please stop singing that gay-arse tune!  
  
Ron: Yeah Harry you're disturbing the peace.  
  
Harry: Cant stop...going crazy...must sing...gay-arse tune  
  
Hermione: you seriously need to see a psychiatrist.  
  
Ron: yeah, how are you going to kick Lord Voldey's butt if you can't stop being all... weird.  
  
Harry: mmmm... Voldey's butt.  
  
Hermione: I'm telling Dumbledore. You need help.  
  
Ron: Yeah  
  
Hermione: I'll see him today in fact  
  
Ron: yeah  
  
Hermione: I'm really worried about your mental state Harry.  
  
Ron: Yeah  
  
Hermione: Ron, Can you please shut up and go away.  
  
Ron: Yeah... Hey!  
  
Ron slams down his apothecary studies book  
  
Ron: Fine I'll just go somewhere where people appreciate me!  
  
Hermione: he'll be back.  
  
Harry: must...have...Voldey's...butt  
  
Hermione: oh my god. I think I'm going to be sick.  
  
Hermione goes to find professor Dumbledore. She enters his office.  
  
Dumbledore: What seems to be the matter.  
  
Hermione: I think Harry's lost the plot. I'm getting scared that he who should not be named...  
  
Dumbledore: Oh just spit it out. His names Voldemort.  
  
Hermione: Yeah, anyway I'm scared that there will be no one to kick Voldeys butt, and he seems to be back to good health each year.  
  
Dumbledore: yes we do seem to be in a doozey of a pickle here who will be well enough to give him a good old wack around and send him packing with a yang bang splikety yak.  
  
Hermione: Come again?  
  
Dumbledore: Well anyway I'll have to get him a personal tutor to keep him up to scratch.  
  
Hermione: Who?  
  
Dumbledore: Well I would Put my hand up for the job but I'm way to busy. Plus the croquet championships are coming up. Wouldn't want to miss that!  
  
Hermione: ...Yes well, quite.  
  
Dumbledore: we'll have to have a teachers meeting to find some one stupid, I mean smart enough to be able to tutor Harry in the way of witch craft and wizardry. 


	2. Staff Meeting

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Staff Meeting  
  
Dumbledore: We have some urgent business to be dealt with today.  
  
Prof Sprout: Hurry up I left my biology class students in the green room with the man-eating snapdragon plants. I don't know how long they'll last.  
  
Dumbledore: Well we wont take long. All someone has to do is volunteer to tutor Harry Potter who seems to have gone a bit bing bong hingety spukket in the head if you know what I mean.  
  
Snape: no actually we don't know.  
  
Dumbledore: well, he's gone pschyo in plainer none amusing terms.  
  
Snape: Oh, so what's new?  
  
Prof Sprout: Hurry it along will you!  
  
Dumbledore: Oh Soorrreeyyy!  
  
Prof Mcgonagall: I think that in such a delicate case we need to find someone who can handle this boys eratic emotions and love him.  
  
Dumbledore: Well that settles it then!  
  
Prof Mcgonagall: What do you mean settles it? We haven't decided on anything yet!  
  
Dumbledore: Well its obvious who's the most suitable for this job.  
  
All: Who?  
  
Dumbledore: Mrs Norris the Cat!  
  
Prof Mcganagall: God you're an idiot she's a cat!  
  
Dumbledore: Exactly! I have been studying Mrs Norris for the past minute and concluded that Mrs Norris shares the same the eratic behaviour as Harry and because they both need someone to love them... they can love each other!  
  
Prof Mcgonagall: No, no and no! Severus would you be so kind as to tutor and care for Harry?  
  
Prof Snape: Ohhh, do I have too?  
  
Prof Mcgonagall: Yes! This is not a choice it's an Order! Prof Snape: Fine I will tutor him, but care? That's going too far.  
  
Prof Mcgaonagall: Whatever  
  
Dumbledore: Well whatever you believe is best Minerva, but I standby my choice of Mrs Norris.  
  
Distant roars and screaming are heard coming from the green houses  
  
Prof Sprout: Oh that'll be my class callings, I better go and help them re pot those snapdragons.  
  
Everyone leaves the staff meeting room and returns to their classes. 


	3. The Festering Idiot

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Severus Snape has just left the staff meeting and sets off to the griffindor common room to find harry (who at the moment is lying on the floor trying to eat bubbles)  
  
Harry: Oh yay I almost got one!  
  
Snape enters the room  
  
Harry: BUBBLES... BUBBLES...MY BUBBLES... ohh I knew you'd come back mister poo poo snape.  
  
Snape: What do you mean I've never even been here before you festering idiot.  
  
Harry: Don't you lie to me snapey I remember last night quite clearly.  
  
Snape: What are you talking about?  
  
Harry: oh you remember... You couldn't get enough of me.  
  
Snape: OH.... MY...GOD!  
  
Snape runs out of the room to get some fresh air and to be sick.  
  
He returns to find harry having a spasm and gnawing on his own arm.  
  
Snape: What the hell are you doing.  
  
Harry: I could have sworn I saw a flea on my arm... now where is that little bugger.  
  
Snape: Answer me properly boy, not in some nonsense drivel.  
  
Harry: mmmm tastes like chicken.  
  
Snape: That's it!  
  
Snape grabs harry and drags him to professor dumbledore's office. He walks In and takes a knock to the head from professor dumbledore's croquet club.  
  
Dunbledore: Oh sorry you seem to have caught me at a bad time. You see I'm practising for the croquet championships.  
  
Snape: well all I need you to do is tell this melingering idiot that he's insane and to stop it so I don't have to 'tutor' him.  
  
Dumbledore: well I'll do that later just wait out side for about 4 or so hours.  
  
Harry and snape go outside and wait. 


	4. Dumbledore's Office

Disclaimer: sorry that the last chapter (chapter 3) was really short and el-retardo but we hope you enjoy this one more and that you REVIEW OUR STORY!!!  
  
Snape and Harry are waiting outside dumbledore's office.  
  
Harry: He wasn't very nice now was he. Maybe he's got PMS... what do you think snapey.  
  
Snape: First of all, i think you're an idiot... and so is dumbledore... and Mcgonagal and Mrs Norris the cat!   
  
Everyone's an idiot. AHH I'm surrounded by complete and utter idiots!... and um secondly i'm proffessor snape thankyou very much.  
  
Harry: Hmmm... I think you're PMSing aswell. It's okay, I know how you feel. I got mine last week.  
  
Snape: ughh... I'm not even going to TRY and explain why you're wrong now lets wait.  
  
Harry: I know i find it hard to explain periods as-...  
  
Snape: We shall wait in SILENCE!  
  
  
  
Four hours later Dumbledore calls Snape and Harry into his office.  
  
Dumbledore: Oh wake up you two sleep heads. Anyone would think you'd been sleeping for ages... like 4hours or something!  
  
Snape: Well we ha...  
  
Dumbledore: Well anyway lets get this show on the road with a quick and snappy blink of an eye!  
  
Snape: Well what i came to say is that i don't think even someone of my particular talents and IQ can get through to this   
  
disturbed boy. He needs to be put in a rehab center or something. He's completely and utterly insane.  
  
Dumbledore: Yes well so am I and I'm principle of the School so maybe the real lesson in this is that crazy people   
  
are quite high acheivers.  
  
Snape: ummm... well I'll certainly keep that in mind but i really do think that he does not belong here anymore and  
  
should be in a mental hospital.  
  
Dumbledore: yes but there is one slight problem...  
  
Everyone (even people who aren't in the scene): What?  
  
Dumbledore: VOLDEMORT!  
  
Snape: Oh my god you said his name!   
  
Dumbledore: oh who cares it has to be said sooner or later.  
  
Snape: But it's he who shall not be named!  
  
Dumbledore: Well I shall! Voldemort, voldemort, voldemort,voldemort (etc.)  
  
Snape: Fine say it.. See if i care.  
  
Dumbledore continues to say the name of he who shall not be named and harry joins in.  
  
Snape: Oh god make it stop, Make it stop!  
  
Dumbledore: Fine... But on one condition.  
  
Snape: ANYTHING!  
  
Dumbledore: You do as you're told and tutor little naughty Harry lumpkins.  
  
Snape: Fine just don't say  
  
Harry: Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort (etc.)  
  
Dumbledore knocks harry out and they carry him back up to the Griffindor commonroom. 


End file.
